What Is A Flake?
"Flake" is a term that most commonly describes a girl that agreed to see you on a date but then either did not show up or cancelled at the last moment. That is the most agreed upon definition and that's how I understand the term.
For some it also means a lead (a number) that you can’t really get out on a date. In my opinion, that’s not a flake. That’s just a weak lead. Flake is when she cancels a meeting.
The question remains - what are you going to do about that? The most obvious answer is to ditch that girl and never contact her again. That’s definitely a go-to response if she stood you up. That’s disrespect and if she doesn’t respect you, there is no way you’re going to seduce her.
By the way, the easiest way to avoid wasting time on such girls is to postpone the meeting by 15 or 30 minutes "because I’m running late. First round is on me." Don’t make it a habit but it’s a perfect solution for all those situations where you’re not exactly sure she’s going to show up. We’re talk more about this later.
Of course, shit happens. And not every flake means game over. On one hand - don't be a doormat. Two flakes or one instance of her standing you up are more than enough. But don't waste all those opportunities because you are too proud to admit that you’re not the most important thing in her life.
You’re Not That Important
Some guys always go silent or even delete the number at the very first flake, even if it’s fully justified and understandable.
I get it, "nothing can stop a girl from seeing a guy she wants to sleep with." But in most cases she doesn’t want that just yet. That’s what all this "seduction" is all about. So don’t expect her to bend over backwards just to meet you.
What's even worse, half of those guys can’t tell an eager girl trying to reschedule from a real flake. I’ve even seen a guy who ditched a perfectly good lead because she wanted to move a date by one hour! Those guys read far too much about "being alpha" and "holding frame" that they can't see that they're ridiculous.
Don’t say stupid things like "If she wants to meet then we'll meet. I don't have time for playing games" or "If she flakes for whatever reason, I'm done with her." Yeah, macho, good for you. You will lose a lot of great girls just because you're too proud and/or socially uncalibrated.
Some of "proud men" are exploiting their good looks while dating well below their capabilities or just spam approaching in search for a "yes" girl. All because they want game to be easy. I think they’re just afraid to lose.
You have to remember that not every approach will sweep her off her feet. You're not a rockstar or any other famous celebrity. And whatever PUAs are telling you - you're not her priority. Sometimes, when you hit the genetic match, the girl will be all over you in no time but don't count on it.
Most of the time you're just that handsome, charismatic guy who approached her, had a nice 5-10 minutes chat and made her interested enough. Don't get me wrong - that is much. It's more than all her other male friends have and something you can really use to get her but it still isn't exactly Brad Pitt level.
As you know, I hate the "how would she act if Brad Pitt was in your place" exercise. Don't compare yourself to guys whose SMV is through the roof due to fame, wealth or looks. If you really have to - compare yourself to your friends that are good with girls ("naturals", PUAs and players).
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Is It A Flake Or A Reschedule?
Let's walk through the signs when flake isn't a flake. You can use it as a checklist but after a while, you should really feel it. In the example below you can see few good things: she apologizes, gives a detailed explanation and offers an alternative. You can clearly see that she's sorry. There is a huge chance that it's not a flake and something really happened. In this case - she's sick.
The default way to handle both a flake and a reschedule is with a push. You can’t be too happy that it happened and try to make her jump through a hoop, even if the alternative date and time are fine for you.
If you want to meet with her on any other day - just propose yet another option. Do not wait for her to list all her free evenings. Remember: girls will rarely arrange dates so her trying to reschedule is already quite a lot. If you can't make it - just pick a different day, don't count on her.
Oh, and disregard the fact that it all started with me trying to confirm the date. Even though it was indirect (false choice, two options for a date), there are smoother ways to do this.
The second example will be a bit different. She tries to confirm the date, which can be a good sign, but it also means she wants to flake.
She explains herself without saying sorry but she proposes an alternative. She even sends second text few minutes after the first (it’s always good idea to withhold your response when she flakes).
Trying to push for meeting later and teasing a bit works as expected: she jumps through the hoop and once again act impatient when I don't reply right away. As always, you should "punish" her for flaking with a standard "first round is on you". If she accepts and plays along, remember to hold on to your threats - actually make her pay for the first round. It makes it easier to change the venue ("Now it’s my turn to buy you drinks, we can’t leave it like that. Let’s go somewhere else.").
Also, do note that she's sending few texts in a row. If she never done that before, it's a huge tell that it really matters for her.
And last but not least, here's a real flake. Can you spot all the signs?
I have always heard that Poland is somewhat different when it comes to flakes. If a girl wants to meet with you, she will agree on a date and show up. If she doesn't like you - she won't accept the invitation. Save for unexpected events, girls rarely flake here. But if they do that wherever you live or travel, remember that there are clear signs that she's still interested.
What To Do With Busy Girls?
Not every girl that wants to meet also wants you. Some are bored, looking for validation or single but not necessarily into you. They will waste your time if you let them. But you can’t assume that’s every lukewarm lead. "The game is played with the ‘maybe’ girls."
Not every girl that can't find a free evening is playing games. Some are genuinely busy. Others have different plans. That means you're not the highest priority. Regardless of the cause, the outcome is the same. However, you shouldn't feel bad when you're unable to schedule a date with a busy girl.
Is She Playing Games To Avoid Flaking On You?
So you've got her number, cool. That's the flashy part of daygame. Now you embark on a texting journey where you try to set up a time and place for your first date.
When "it's on" you don't need more than a few messages in the first interaction. It's obvious you both want to meet. Consult the SQI model and set up a date in few texts. That's one side of the coin. The other is when she doesn't reply at all - nothing you can do with that. Both are simple and easy.
However, some girls appear interested and yet you are unable to get them out. You already know how you can distinguish between a flake and a reschedule and what to do with flakes. But there are girls out there who go silent after you propose a time and place. Others, reply after hours or when it’s already too late. There is also a category of girls who always seem to have legitimate excuses.
In all cases there is obviously no interest but it isn't always your fault.
Some girls are bored, they just crave attention or they just basic bitches who like to toy with men. They play games, they give you enough to keep you hopeful but you are never going to meet them.
The worst thing you can do when dealing with those girls is to keep on texting. Maybe the next time she won't be busy? Fat chance. Act as if there's no hope.
Try to get her out two times tops. Then stop texting her, embrace the radio silence and if she writes you first then make her pick a date using any variant of "You owe me drinks" line. If she won't do that or if she'll give you a bullshit excuse like "she's so busy this month" then for the sake of your own sanity - stop talking to her.
And to be honest, in most cases when you go radio silent, she is not going to text you ever again. The only reason she was texting you was because you initiated all of the conversations. If that was the case - don't even bother.
Is She Really Busy? Does She Even Want You?
Many of the leads from your trips, especially if you're going to Eastern Europe, will be strong when it comes to connection but weak as to the actual texting. It can be even true for girls that you already dated. You will have this great vibe when you're together but the texts come late and short.
One of the reasons for that is that when you work in countries like Ukraine, you work like crazy. Seriously, some of the hard-working girls spend 10-12 hours every day in their jobs. It's understandable that they're not exactly dying inside to meet a foreign shmuck after their workday. The same thing happens if she's crazy work-oriented. No matter the reason, know that a) it's not your fault b) you can't do anything with it c) it’s not going to change.
You have more options when you actually live in the same city. Local daygame has its advantages, namely the ability to wait. But you shouldn't wait forever. If you're both from the same city and you haven't met her after a month then I wouldn't exactly hold my breath for her. Most guys would go the radio silent way after two weeks tops.
There are good excuses and bad excuses. But if all you’re getting are excuses then that lead is as good as a flake. The cause doesn't matter for the result which is - you are unable to set up a date. The plan is the same - three strikes and/or one month is the absolute maximum you should "invest" in a lead.
And by "invest" I mean texting her every 4-7 days.
If you managed to go on a date with a busy girl then that lead is much stronger than all the others. She had to actively make a room in her schedule. The old and somewhat true rule is that "if she wants you, she'll find a way to see you". It's a no-brainer but when you think about it more then you'll realize that it's not just the case of you being good enough. You have to be better than everything that is going on in her life - work, family and even errands that she has to run.
While on a date, you should learn something about her schedule and whether she's really that busy and how her life looks like. It's up to you to decide if you want to be a part of such relationship. That girl is going to be high maintenance (or rather - low availability) for both "a serious relationship" and "friends with benefits". You won't be able to make her high priority because she won't let you.
Also, remember that she's not going to postpone a planned vacation, a family dinner or in most cases even a visit to her hairdresser. You might be hot but you're not important (yet). I'm not justifying playing games or even being deliberately enigmatic when it comes to agreeing on the time of your date. This should be frowned upon and if it happens repeatedly, the girl should be nexted. No matter the reason behind this. Especially if she flakes.
Don't feel like you've failed and definitely don't get angry. It happens. Some girls are in that point in their lives where men aren't a top priority for them. Especially foreign guys who are in their city for a week.
On the bright side, there are always girls out there who want what you have to offer. You just have to find them.
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Okay, back to flakes.
I’ll share with you some tips & tricks on managing your calendar. As a successful daygamer you should have a tight schedule so flakes really shouldn't be an issue. It’s way better to have more dates that you have time than to count on that one girl finally not flaking.
On the other hand, you should also manage your time in a way that you actively avoid flakes. It’s not a good idea to set up a lot of dates with girls are not really into you. They will flake and it will eventually kill your vibe.
So what you can do?
1. Note the strength of each close
You should be making notes about each number you get. Write down things that you were talking about, something about her but also strength of a close. You can categorize each one either as "flake", "50/50" or "solid".
You should know when a girl is solid - she is responsive, you've talked for 10 minutes or more or you opened after an obvious IOI. 50/50 is either a short but promising talk (glowing eyes, great connection) or a long but dull one (you were not sexual enough or she has a boyfriend or was reluctant to give you her number). Flake is everything else.
If you're categorizing too many girls as potential flakes or 50/50 you should really work on your game. Nothing beats sweeping the girl off her feet during initial interaction. If she's already into you, everything will be so much easier.
Do not focus on any particular type of girls (after all, a girl you thought was a flake can end up in your bed the very next day). However, when in doubt prioritize the "yes girls". Usually it just happens naturally as the better the connection the faster she replies to your texts and quicker you set up the date.
2. Embrace delayed responses
Girls usually reply to the texts at random intervals. But not when it comes to an invite. If you follow my texting model then sooner or later you will see the "delayed confirmation". Once you pull the trigger and actually invite a girl out by telling her time and place, she will very often answer after tens of minutes or even few hours. That's normal and expected. I won't even guess if it's the conscious testing of your frame ("will he write again?") or is she really thinking.
That delay poses a problem when it comes to managing your tight schedule. When you have few not-so-solid numbers and one evening to spare you need to get all the answers fast and set up the dates. Or do you? Maybe you can do something about it? Like double-book?
There are two ways in which you can double-book. Of course you can set up few dates at the same time (and in the same place) but my advice is that you should at least have 30 minutes between them. Girls can be late, you can be late and you still need to cancel the other meeting if the first girl shows up.
Double-book if you feel that the girls are not that solid. You'll be surprised how many times all the girls flake - usually your gut is right.
The other way to do this is to set up a chain of dates. You can meet with one girl at 5, another one at 7 and finally one at 9. You arrange those dates in order from least probable lay because if you’re going to bounce nay girl home, you have to cancel subsequent dates.
In the end, it means that sometimes you will have to flake on a girl. Tables have turned. Do not be afraid to do so, do it casually (like the girls do). Text her that something came up and you can't make it. Do not apologize but inform. If you're lucky and the girl was already somewhat into you, that can make you even more attractive to her.
4. Confirm the date... indirectly
Sometimes you may want to confirm the date. If you know that the girls is flakey or you have other girls available or a thing you want to do with your friends as an alternative - better find out earlier than later. Do that especially if you triple-booked and you want to weed out the obvious flakes.
Worst idea ever is to text the girl something in line of "are we still meeting today?" Always assume that she will come.
However, if the girl has a history of flakes (or you set up the date earlier than 3-4 days ago) then you can ping the girl a day or two before the date. It should be your everyday ping but if she replies you can drop an interesting topic and then end conversation with something in the line of "I'll tell you more tomorrow".
Another trick to make her confirm the date is to move the meeting by half an hour on the day of the date itself. If you agreed to meet at 8, text her "I just got a call that I need to disarm a bomb and rescue some children. I might be late, so let's meet at 8:30." You can also move it earlier with "Everything is working out perfectly today. Can you make it at 7:30?"
That way you indirectly check if she's up to the date. As a bonus, it shows her that your time is more valuable (she have to adjust to you).
5. Have alternative plans
I've already covered that in one of my previous posts: Shrug off the flakes. The key here is to have alternative, exciting plans that you really want to realize. Pursuing your passions or hobbies instead of chasing skirts. That way, you won't feel down when the flake do happen.
And no - playing games or watching TV doesn't count as "exciting". This better be your hobby, your side business, extra workout session, book you've never found time to read, a beer with your friends or even an evening with a regular girl who you booty call. But no matter what you choose, don't just sit at your home staring at the wall drinking all by yourself.
It's an opportunity, not a tragedy.
6. Soft date - party/event time
For all you extroverts - instead of asking a girl out on a date you can invite her to a social event. Like your housewarming party or a Friday's night at your favorite bar. That's low pressure date - it won't be sexual enough (unless you change the venue and isolate her) but at the same time you'll have massive social proof from your friends.
Because it’s not really a date but something you wanted to do anyway, you don’t really care if she comes. She might feel less pressure too. However, if she’s a shy introverted girl, she might prefer meeting you one on one. Be smart about it.
If it’s a big event, some guys invite a lot of girls. The premise is that instead of you going after them, they will fight against each other for you. It's an idea worth trying. But it’s not for everyone.
7. Remember that girls are unpredictable
No matter you experience or eagerness of a girl - she can always flake. Also, even the weakest conversation can transform into a hot night. It's just a matter of probability - eager girls will be the easiest most of the time.
But when it comes to women there isn't such thing as "easy" (or "predictable"). Always use your judgment and social intelligence. And listen to your gut.