Many of you are interested in the topic of casual relationships. Some of you are after "spinning plates" or dating multiple girls, other want to find someone compatible and live the couple life.
There's nothing wrong with any of those options, so today we'll explore the possibilities.
This page gets updated whenever I send an e-mail on the topic of casual relationships to my daygame mailing list.
Guys that are new to daygame, casual dating and multiple casual relationships are often baffled by the possibility of having few girls on rotation. Some of them think that even if they do have few "girlfriends" they should hide that and keep seeing them on the down-low.
Many people assume that every girl is looking for a serious relationship, probably because they themselves have only been in serious relationships their whole life. But there is a wide spectrum of possibilities backed by wide spectrum of behaviors. Not every fast sex will be a one night stand and not all good fucks end in even casual relationships.
What do the girls expect from men? Who knows and who cares.
You can be her one night stand (you'll never hear from her again), her lover (she'll see you just for the sex), her non-monogamous boyfriend (she knows you are sleeping with other girls, yet she won't mention that; you do more fun things outside the bedroom than lovers), her potential boyfriend (you're a bad boy but she'll try to make you commit), her boyfriend (now we're getting into the danger zone), her love (monogamy is expected).
By the time you're on your bed, she'd already decided the nature of that relationship. By then she knows whether you're a womanizer or a boyfriend material. She knows whether you make her wet and can she control herself around you.
On the top of that, she knows what she needs right now. Ignoring the last thing will make everything harder ("Phrasing!"). If the girl is looking for a guy who will pay for her boob job then being an r-selected badass lover will not even make her raise an eyebrow. If she already made her decision - usually you won't be able to change it.
I hate to say that it's all about the vibe but it's all about the vibe. If you're framing yourself as a lover she will consider that option. If you're pretending to be Prince Charming she'll treat you at best as a potential boyfriend. Not every strategy is for every girl and you can either stick to your virtues or you can adapt to a given girl.
Sex talk, alcoholic drinks, discussing past adventures, fast escalation, kissing early on, changing venues, bouncebacks, adventure bubbles, adrenaline, exciting things, admitting to sleeping with married girls, crazy stories, dangerous hobbies, travels and commenting on beauty of foreign girls, etc. - those things will get you more into the ONS/lover side of relationships. Beware of the trap: escalate too fast, have sex on a first date while in a crazy adventure mode without much rapport and you might end with just that one night.
The only factor left is how you behave after the sex.
Cuddling, talking, being with her (and making her come), going for seconds will push the dial back into lover box. If you leave the bed (or whatever) and make yourself a drink, take a long shower or even go to sleep you can make her regret sleeping with you and the very next day she'll convince herself that this was just an ONS (probably a "yet another ONS" for her). But your behavior after the sex can change very little. It's how you present yourself along the way.
Coffee date, fun dates like feeding birds or riding bicycles, having a picnic, watching a movie, cooking a dinner together, long talks about future dreams, talking about your jobs (ugh), walking through park, responsible escalation, avoiding danger and emotions not trying to have sex on a first date - these will make her either bored or more inclined to think about "serious" relationship (if you fulfill her partner criteria)
Don't get me wrong - you need those things too, but you should always consider underlying vibe. When she'll talk about you to her best friend what she will tell? Will you be "nice guy" or "cool foreign rocker"? Will your good traits offset bad things that are typically associated with the stereotype you're fit into?
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This little remark deserves a separate section. You can only travel towards the more monogamous and affectionate end of the relationship spectrum. E.g. if you had a one night stand but now you're sleeping with each other then you obviously went from having a ONS to being lovers.
But it's deeper than that. No girl will allow to fall back to seeing each other just for sex if you started to do "relationship stuff" like romantic dates, staying in each others' apartments for the night, etc. It just won't happen and even if she agrees, expect that she won't be able to take it and she'll break up with you.
That also means that once you've agreed to a monogamous relationship ("The Talk"), you won't ever be able to "open" this relationship. That's why I always advice against lying and pretending to be her boyfriend if you only want to fuck her. It's far better to just dump her if she becomes too clingy and you want to sleep with other girls.
However, if you want to try something more serious, go for it (if you know you'd regret if you didn't try). Just know the potential dangers.
Many guys want to know how to avoid losing girls who put you into ONS box. Here's a quick tip: future projections. Make vague plans while on a date. If you're discussing your favorite restaurant say "we definitely have to eat a dinner there some time".
Notice you don't say "I'll take you there" but "we have to" - it implies you will be seeing each other and that you're not a provider. We're talking about riding motorbikes - "You've never ridden one? I'll give you a ride some weekend, you'll love it!". It's not specific so you can easily postpone those until after the sex. And pick things that will be exciting for that girl.
Also remember that there are girls out there who just enjoy one night stands. That's the "you'll never hear from her again" category or even "she'll reply but won't meet you ever again". Sometimes it's fun, sometimes she is just out of a long relationship and looking for rebound sex or a fun adventure.
You'd also be surprised how many girls out there are fine with sharing a good lover. They don't care that you're seeing other girls as long as you don't mention them unasked or merely imply them. Good sex, fun times, exciting activities and you could keep those around for months. Some of them will develop feelings for you (that's when you cut them off), others will be fine until you find a replacement.
You can be with a girl and meet her once a week or so, have sex, do some other cool stuff and there isn't going to be any talk of "being together" or even of any "future". As I said, you can even be with multiple girls at once and it's fine as long as you never display any commitment or infatuation.
You can see all those girls and go on dates with new ones, replace those who are too attached or are no longer fun to be with. There is no end to this and you can do it over and over again, ending up with a number of really great companions.
The problem with having multiple relationships is that you have to have them in order to seduce the girls that want something casual. In other words, you need casual relationships to get casual relationships.
"Fake it till you make it" once again. But beware, after a while it's nearly impossible for you to behave like a guy willing to commit. Your womanizing tendencies ooze through every pore. And that's when you start to lose the girls that would eventually want a boyfriend.
Writing down tips about transitioning from "serial monogamist" to "womanizer" would be totally worthless without the reference experience.
It's hard to describe what changes inside you when you start to sleep with different girls at once, when you admit to them that you're sleeping around and they are ok with that, when a girl who is 100% sure that you were banging someone last weekend is making you a nice dinner and cuddles after the sex.
It is one thing to hear about these kind of relationships but to experience them it's a whole different level of internalizing the male-female polarity.
It isn't easy to become "that guy" but if you really want to, you have to live in abundance.
First comes abundance of numbers and then - dates. Date as much as you can, even if you know that that particular girl will want a serious relationship.
Mind you, I'm not advocating using girls (lying to them that you are going to be faithful) but the more you date the more you become ok with an idea of seeing five different girls in one week.
Then, after you start to sleep with a girl, keep meeting her once every 7-10 days or so. Text her like before - every 2-4 days. Always have sex on your dates - this part is crucial. I believe the first moment a girl starts to think of you as more than a lover is the day you meet, spend some time and don't have sex.
So keep meeting that girl but also keep dating new ones. Sooner or later you will have more than one girl that you sleep with.
Then, just continue doing all that while remembering that those relationships can last from few weeks to few years but they won't last forever. You have to keep replacing your girls and adding new ones, focusing of course on those who are the best (in terms of looks, personality, interests or whatever you're looking for).
If a girl gives you "the talk" and wants to define the status of your relationship that's the sign she wants more. It's the sign to explain to her that you can't give her more and that you should end it. Or maybe you want to try something more serious? If so, go for it.
But never, ever, ever be the one to start the talk about the relationship you're having (or even worse - your feelings). She should understand all that from the way you behave. There should be no need to explain anything.
Some people will say "you can't live like that forever", "you have to settle down" but we all know that's bullshit. The only obligation in life is to live it in a way that makes you happy. You're not responsible for happiness of anyone else.
At the same time, there is no point in hurting people around you or in using girls that want a monogamous relationship.
"But soon you will be too old for that"! I know a lot of players that are in their forties and a few that are in their fifties. There really isn't any endgame to all that.
However, sometimes you'll meet a girl who is very compatible. You not only fancy each other but also have shared interests, well-matched personalities and similar life goals. What to do then?
If you're dead set on staying on the casual relationships end of the spectrum - break up with her. You're guaranteed to grow very fond of her. In fact, you already did.
If you're not scared of setting your player career on the side (or even ending it), find out why do you like her and get serious with her. Of course, remember about all the usual warnings and bear in mind that you can get hurt. But if you know you'd regret not trying - try.
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Everything starts - as always - with your approach. This is the first impression and if you appear like a guy looking for a relationship it will be hard to get fast sex. However, being a confident, r-selected guy doesn't mean you cannot be talked into some sort of casual relationship in the future. Most girls wants to "tame the bad boy". And what's even better - it's going to be her idea. Win-win.
It's one of those counterintuitive truths but if you want more quality time with girls be the fast sex type of guy. "Sex first and then (maybe) a relationship". Trying to build something more right away will scare off most girls.
Even if you really want to be serious with one girl that shouldn’t stop you from seeing others. Or at the very least - flirting and daygaming.
The single biggest issue that guys have is maintaining contact after having sex with a girl. It's not that hard! All the game rules still apply - let her chase you, contact mostly for logistic, see her once every 7-10 days, fuck her good, do something more than wine & sex if she's more than just a fuck buddy to you). And if you're too lazy to text her once every 2-3 days then don't whine that "all your conquers seem to fizzle out".
Fucking her good is underestimated too. If you're her source of orgasms then she'll likely keep coming for more. If you're having crazy, wild nights then sometimes it's more than enough to keep her around. There are girls looking for just that or those that had sex so long ago that - for now - it’s all they want.
The post-sex window is especially important the first time. It matters a lot what happens after sex. If you just put on your clothes and call a cab for her - the message is clear. On the other hand, if you start naming your future children and pets you probably won’t see her again (stupid!).
However, if you mix wild night of sex (with brief pauses for drinks and recovery) with some cuddling, letting her stay or making coffee in the morning you’ll send two signals. Yes, it is about sex. And yes, it can become something more. Just make sure the second message is more vague.
On one hand - you're the bad guy who seduced her. On the other - you seem to care. But you're probably still seeing other girls. Maybe you can be saved? Maybe she can change you? Of course not but these thoughts will keep her around for months, not weeks.
I'm not saying you should change who you are to keep some of the girls around. I'm saying that there are few simple things you can do to have more sex than just a one night stand and certainly more affection. And if you want to transition to long term relationship then just keep doing all that until she asks for one or gives you The Talk.
You never start The Talk first.