Jealousy In Open Relationships
A reader of my Twitter feed asked me “How do you personally deal with your own jealousy in open relationships?” That’s an interesting question. Jealousy is a big topic in every single type of relationship, let alone in an open one.
What Is An Open Relationship?
I already wrote about casual relationship spectrum. You should know that there are many ways to deal with the “openness” aspect. If you’re particularly interested in stable polygamous configurations take a look at Blackdragon’s blog and read about different types of relationship models and ideal nonmonogamous configurations. Those are really good reads.
For the purpose of this post an open relationship is one where you’re verbally or nonverbally agreed that you’re not exclusive. That doesn’t include relationships where the girl thinks you’re her boyfriend and you’re keeping her in the dark while banging other girls. That happens far too often and it’s discouraged for an infinite number of reasons.
If you’re brave enough to be sleeping with a lot of girls then at the same time you should be equally brave in admitting it. Most girls won’t mind. Some will do and then, as I already wrote, you have three options (accept, break up, lie). Once again, this post assumes that even if you had “The Talk” you both agreed to an open relationship. She could also know about your lifestyle but don’t ask questions.
Are You Always Jealous?
If you’re jealous about all the girls you date then it’s a scarcity mindset and you’re just feeling bad that they get more action than you do. Cure is simple – date, see and sleep with more girls. You won’t mind them having someone on the side if you do it as well.
I was sleeping with a number of married girls and those who were in (somewhat) commited relationships. Since they were just a fuck buddies for me I didn’t mind that they had partners. I never felt anything more than lust towards them as it’s impossible to feel anything for a girl who is cheating. It’s as simple as that.
There is nothing wrong in sleeping with girls in relationships if both of you know what you’re after. Never promise them anything and when confronted always admit that you’re sleeping with other girls. There is little to no drama with cheating girls.
If you’re jealous about one girl and you don’t care about others then it simply means you have feelings towards her. There are two ways – you can drop her or go into full (monogamous) relationship mode.
Once I was sleeping with a cute 20 yo who also was an attention whore. She had a lot of men around her and she frequently put herself in situations where something could happen. She even admitted that other guys were hitting on her, groping her and sometimes even that they were kissing. I didn’t want nor needed that in my life.
I didn’t want to wonder where she is, with whom and what she’s doing with them. It was just a matter of time until she went too far with someone. Even though I’ve seen other girls at that time – I cared way too much to let that continue. For my own sanity I dropped her.
Recently I was with a girl who I was jealous about but I hid it for a long time. When it was her turn to get jealous she openly admitted that and explained what’s going on. She liked what we have and wanted more (including exclusivity). I gladly accepted that. After sleeping with many girls I can recognize someone who is worth the risk and being with whom outweighs banging other girls.
I was with girls who I suspected that were sleeping around. It usually isn’t a big deal. I had zero jealousy issues because I didn’t care about them more than just our sexual adventures.
I had many girls who suspected what’s going on in my life. After a while you can’t hide that you’re a player and you sleep around. They didn’t expect anything more, at least in the first weeks/months, and it was not a problem for them. Sex first and then (maybe) a relationship works just fine.
Sleeping around is very attractive for women. After all “she wants a dangerous man who is civilized.” – Jordan B. Peterson
I also saw girls who fell in love fast or demanded monogamy right away. I usually rejected that idea and dropped them just because that wasn’t what I was after. What I’m saying is that it’s perfectly fine to have casual relationships if both parties are conscious about the terms. There is a bit of a gray area when the terms aren’t explicit.
Bottom line: you both have to have the same type of relationship in mind and you both have to agree to the terms. And if you think that any girl is worth becoming monogamous and that she won’t agree to an open relationship then you better think again. And if it becomes clear that you still want to do it, despite all the other offers – just do iit… or break up to avoid jealousy.