Holding The Frame
Another few crazy days passed and another set of thoughts, observations and issues. The latter will be of interest today as it is impossible to be always on the top of your game and never make any mistakes. That’s even more true when you spend a lot of time with one girl. Welcome to another issue of Mental Masturbation Monthly.
Entropy (Why You Will Fail)
If there are infinite number of states for a given system and only one of those states is ordered then every random event will make the system deteriorate into disorder. That’s more or less entropy and it’s also the tool that is going to help me explain why you’re going to fail if you’re given enough time.
There are no normal girls, every single one is damaged, toxic or insane in a way and to a point. Once you decide on the level of craziness that’s acceptable for you, you can begin to have relationships. It doesn’t matter whether it’s going to be more serious or just a casual sex type of thing – you’ll spend more time with a girl.
When you’re spending more time with her then eventually you’ll fall into disordered state – a fight, a shit test, her moods or issues. Usually there are one or two good ways to react. If we’re thinking about shit test then those two will be to either ignore or ridicule. There is also infinite number of bad reactions. Give her enough time to test you and you’ll eventually fail.
That’s the same reason why you shouldn’t text a girl if you’ve already set up a date with her. Nothing you’ll say will make her want to see you more, you can only fuck it up. So don’t. In such cases keep texting to minimum.
Boundaries On Bullshit
The goal of course is to maintain your frame at all times and be that hard rock, this non-reactive guy. I’m all in for stoicism and given my quite neurotic past I’m basically a buddhist monk right now. I know what I am, I know what I want and people trying to get inside my head do not bother me.
But of course every now and then I slip. Especially if it’s a girl, her issues starts to creep and there was enough time for a buildup. Everyone slips, the questions is: are you going to throw a tantrum or you’re just going to react emotionally but still in line with your past behavior (like a man would).
There are crazy bitches out there that you’d never want in a relationship. Don’t try to make them your girlfriends.
Girls need boundaries on bullshit and from time to time it is important that you show her that you’re not going to put up with everything she throws at you. Be strict, be uncompromising and don’t back off. Don’t worry, it won’t make her leave you (and if it does – it’s only for the better). While you can say it’s reacting emotionally – it’s still better than getting sad or angry. Just remember to hold the frame.
Holding The Frame
“Holding the frame” is as much about not reacting emotionally to her shit tests as it is about covering up your slip-ups. I don’t mean “covering” as in “pretending that they never happened” or “explaining to her what you did and why”. On the contrary – own your mistakes and accept them as something inevitable. You will make them so you need a strategy that includes holding your frame.
Whatever you did assume it was the best thing to do. “Yes, it could be done differently. I did it the way I thought it was the best.” That’s how you should think not only about your reactions to anything a girl throws at you but about anything you do in your life.
Never apologize unless you did something wrong on purpose (or it was something minor as bumping into someone).
Even when you did react to her behavior or you showed that you care (shock, horror) she will try to somehow fit it into your persona. If that’s an exception she will think about it as such. But if you start to react emotionally all the time she’ll start to think differently about you. Maintain the frame, be coherent and you’ll be fine.
As I always say – do not make fuss about shit-test. Now I add – don’t make it a big deal when you slip-up. Of course, it is better to not mistakes at all. But since we’re all humans – good luck with that.