Self Sabotage Or Fear Of Success?
Daygame is a solitary activity. Even when you’re out with a wing you usually don’t witness his sets as you’re doing your own. So you probably don’t see him self-sabotaging…
I’m a daygamer through and through. But I do like to expand my horizons so lately I’ve been frequenting bars doing both gutter game and “classic” bar game. That gives me an opportunity to see up close what my friends are doing and how they’re doing it.
Okay, I admit it. It was as much a want as it was a necessity. February is trying really hard to become one of the worst daygame months ever. Even great stories aren’t helping.
Daygame and the relevant skillset translate nicely to bar game where you approach girls in a crowded place which isn’t a club with loud music. You’ll be doing more multiple girls sets but you can use a modified daygame approach for this. And gutter game (approaching girls who are on their way between venues) is still daygame in disguise.
I’ve tried nightgame and while I had some successes (even two flags) I can’t say I’m good at it. I just don’t enjoy clubs and night’s out. If you do – play to your strengths.
Going out and trying out different environments it’s a great exercise for your comfort zone and even better for your observation skills. We all can spot a daygamer from the other side of the street and some of us are even able to tell if he’ll get the number. But being inside a venue and gaming there opens up new possibilities and dangers.
I don’t have a clear set of conclusions from those evenings (yet). Don’t count on any bar-game advice in the nearest future. I can however share some observations that make sense even in daygame context.
Always Be Closing, Goddammit!
ABC, Always Be Closing, there isn’t a piece of advice that’s easier to remember and implement. I try to make every guy that I’m coaching to do exactly that – get number for every girl they end up talking for longer than a minute.
I’ve seen guys talking to girls, girls smiling to guys, heard really nice chats and… that was it. Guys ejected without trying to close the girls. I was astounded.
I clearly remember the very first time my German friend took me out for a bar run which was long ago. I’ve had a blast with a super fit chick when suddenly her friends decided they’re leaving the place. I didn’t even had her number. Rookie mistakes are to be made once.
I’m pretty sure that some of those guys were clueless and they didn’t ask for the number just to protect their poor, fragile egos. But that’s just stupid. What’s the worst thing that can happen at that point? She can say no, big deal. You still can self five for approaching her.
But there was something even worse than backing off because of fear. Some guys were self-sabotaging themselves. They knew they could probably get the number but they apparently considered the girl “not good enough”. Or they’d rather see her friend but their wing was all over her. Or whatever stupid reason you can think of.
The biggest problem with this is that you rob yourself of the possibility to make the decision later. Maybe right now you’re not sure but if the girl’s receptive and you two are having a good time then taking her number means more opportunities, not some sort of obligation. You don’t owe her anything.
And hell, she might even set you up with her friend. That’s not a very likely scenario but it has zero probability if you don’t take the goddamn number.
Protect Your Vibe
Big caveat for the ABC rule is that there are some people who react very badly to failures. And by failure I mean the sting of rejection when a girl denies them her number. It messes up their vibe and it hurts their next sets. Surprisingly some are not bothered at all when they didn’t attempt to close.
What I’ve reluctantly accepted last year is that mental fatigue is real. If you’re exercising your willpower all the time then eventually you’ll run out of it. If failing to get the number makes your vibe goes down then by all means do not try to close the sets where you “don’t feel the connection”.
My problem is that I’m really good in taking numbers to all sorts of girls, even those unavailable or uninterested. But rejections don’t haunt me whereas even flakey numbers fuel me up. So I should Always Be Closing.
That being said if you’re not an experienced daygamer and/or you’ve regret at least one “missed” number then you should try to close every set where the girl isn’t clearly uninterested. If you have doubts – try, there is literally nothing to lose.
Don’t Be Afraid To Go Forward
Forward, not backward – that’s the only direction to go. So you don’t stop at chatting the girl up, you take her number. You text her, set up a date, meet, escalate, kiss, have sex. The only step back you want to take is the one to gain momentum for two steps forward.
I’ve had girls that wanted to “go back to how the things were before we had sex”. Fuck off.
The same guys that don’t take the number have the exact same inhibitions while going forward with a girl. Sometimes they don’t want to realize they’ve wasted all those previous years playing safe or it’s just that fear of success once again.
Not every girl is a girl you want to have a short- or long-term relationship with. And, surprisingly, not everyone wants to just have sex with random girls. But if you’re in this to make your life better and/or enjoy casual sex then don’t get rid of leads that aren’t ideal.
And yes, if you’re not currently seeing anyone, then I’m saying “date girls that you think are below your level”. Apparently right now they’re on your level. Leave the ego at home. When you start to have sex with them, you’ll relax more and be able to seduce hotter girls.
I’m not saying that you should sleep with fatties. Never do that. But most of the time when you’re saying “this girl isn’t hot enough” it’s your porn-fed ego talking. If you’ve approached her – she’s good enough. Escalate.
Blast From The Past
It isn’t the first time I’ve pondered on those issues. “Pondered” is a strong word in relation to the old posts I’ve found.
Two years ago I’ve had pretty accurate conclusions but I couldn’t back them up with any meaningful explanation “why”. I hope this post is better and more useful than old “Always Be Closing” or “Don’t Be Afraid To Be Successful“.
If you’re not ashamed by your old self then you should be ashamed of not improving.
I’m also glad that not only those old posts look like written by someone else (in terms of quality) but also I don’t recognize any of the old issues in my current game. Now it’s all about optimization and breaking barriers that once were invisible for me, not struggling to get here.