Primal Seduction vs. Calculated Courtship
Raw attraction, primal seduction, magnetic charm, instinctive actions, hindbrain thinking – those terms float around and we all kind of know what they mean and what type of relationships they describe. Those where reason have been thrown out the window and all is left is the sweaty amalgamation of bodies. Isn’t it nice?
Yet so many guys settle for relationships that have been negotiated which definitely aren’t as exciting nor rewarding as the raw kind outlined above. Ever since I’ve became more concerned with picking up girls and maintaining multiple relationships I also started to keenly observe what’s going on around me. And I can’t say that I really see exceptions for many of the so-called rules.
If only some guys on the (in)famous Polish pickup forums were acquainted with the works of Rollo Tomassi, Heartiste or some other “classics” it would be so much simpler to explain to them a lot of things.
The transactional (calculated courtship) versus validational sex (primal seduction) debate spans across every single area of male-female relationships. Approaching, dating, sex, polarity, responsibilities, expectations, etc. At some point this dichotomy has to be addressed. Why are you together? What are both parties after?
When you consider everything as a whole and remember about all the relationship mantras, the seduction process, the importance of sex in everything then you would never again like to get into an affair that is in any way negotiated.
When you hear about primal seduction it’s usually used in terms of sex in its validational form. I wouldn’t limit it to just sex as it neatly describes everything that led to it. It’s the whole dynamic between a man and a women. It’s wild, instinctive and uncontrolled and as such usually happen when both parties aren’t thinking much. They just feel.
Thinking is always a bad idea when you’re trying to have such an experience with a girl. Usually the moment she starts to analyze the window of opportunity closes. Avoid things that will make her analyze this.
On a bigger scale it all starts with why the girl is seeing you (the “why are you together?” question). If she’s attracted to you on a biological level then it really is primal seduction based on thousands of years of evolution and very basic urges. You fit the image of her preferred mate and, well, mating is everything what this is about.
There is no time for getting to know each other, learning about your favorite colors and showing each other pictures from your childhood. It’s about here and now and getting to bed without feeding her worries.
Even if the girl is young, inexperienced or she knows that she “shouldn’t be doing it” she stills fall for your charm. It’s primal seduction and as such it’s too deeply engraved in her core for her to reject that. She can try to control it and if she’s able to then you’re off that track. For a while that is, give her enough space to miss you and sometimes – not always – it can start all over again.
Granted, most of my past daygame lays don’t belong to that category but with time more and more do. I guess that I’m becoming more tuned to the type of girls that fancy me and I approach more of them. My inner radar becomes more accurate and sensitive.
Calculated courtship stands in hard contrast to primal seduction. It aim is not validational but transactional. The big question is “what I can gain by sleeping with this guy”? Yes, it sounds like a thing for those externally validated girls.
The biggest difference is that the girl thinks since the very beginning till the very end of it (and you can be sure that she thinks about the end, too). That means moves are calculated, there is less space for spontaneity and acting in line with her urges. You’ll get a totally different girl than a guy who really arouses her. And it’s a bummer.
Big problem with sex in transactional relationships is that it’s stripped from emotions and passion. The girl doesn’t see the guy as a man from her dreams and he’s not getting her wet. She might even not consider him attractive at all. As such sex will happen late and even then it will be cold and not worth waiting for.
Sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship but it is amongst such things. Could you be happy with a girl knowing that she doesn’t fancy you?
Sadly, that calculated courtship is the only type of relationship many men know. Some were lucky enough to have a “high school love” that resulted in fast and wild sex because both parties were so much into each other than nothing else mattered. Others had a wild one night stand with a girl. But many guys meet their partners through social circle where things are happening slower and as a result they’ve never felt how it is being craved.
PUA’s Fast Sex Fallacy
Many PUAs, including me, praise fast sex/primal seduction/instant attraction scenarios and have a dislike for the slow and calm relationships. There are many reasons behind that. The two obvious are that seduction is hard work and that we don’t want to live in monogamous relationships.
The advantages of dating and seducing many girls are obvious. When you don’t want to have kids the traditional monogamous relationships offers you no edge.
There are many things wrong with having transactional sex and slow romance and even more so if you don’t know what you’re getting into. Some guys don’t have even the faintest idea that things can be different. Others – and I think they have it even worse – expect the primal instincts to kick in but in reality their girls don’t even consider them sexy.
Those men who misjudge how their relationship are the most unhappy and depressed. Those are the cases when they get a formerly wild girl now converted to a boring wife. They get all the responsibilities with no expected action. In this category you’ll also find guys who dated girls for a very long time before the sex happened and they expect that it will take equally long time for the girl to warm up and become a freak in the sheets. But it won’t happen. Changes don’t happen in that direction.
It’s no wonder I repeat “sex first and then (maybe) a relationship” over and over again. That approach just produces better results in terms of happiness that you get out of a relationship. That is – if your goal is to be happy.
Is it possible to game in a way that takes advantage of that effect? You can only make one first impression and it can’t be changed completely. You can adapt yourself, your appearance and how are you initially seen to better fit the dreams of those girls who are into you. That way you’ll score more points with them in the crucial first seconds of the approach and more of those girls will become a “yes girls”.
I don’t think you can talk the girl into feeling something primal after she already decided what type of a guy you are and do you fit her idea of an adventure. That’s totally beyond her control as it’s an subconscious process.
One side of the discussed spectrum is heavily handicapped. Everything is easier for the proverbial “alpha guy” who gets validational sex. If there is that primal attraction and the girl is properly seduced then you can drift toward the more transactional relationships while still enjoying very raw and passionate sex. But it never works the other way.