Internal vs. External Validation
Long time no see! And I mean the “mental masturbation” category of posts. Thankfully, recent dates made me thinking again about the idea of internal and external validation when it comes to our girls.
“What makes her tick?” is one of the questions that always lingers in our subconsciousness and dictates our actions. Even if we’re qualifying the girl we also try to fit the image that we think will get us to bed faster. I’m not talking about “changing yourself” or “trying to please the girl”. Far from it. Just don’t emphasize things that aren’t making her wet.
Out of two strategies: trying to fit the girl’s idea of a good lay and qualifying the shit out of her to make sure she fits yours, the latter is always more effective.
Proper calibration is the difference between someone good and great. Between getting laid and getting that awful “near miss”. There are some girls with whom you know right away that you shouldn’t talk about your side business or how you like to tinker with your motorbike. Instead you tell her stories of you partying all night in a biggest club in Barcelona and holidays you’ve spent on a yacht.
As usual when discussing binary categories a big warning is in order. Nothing is black or white and these are not hard categories but rather a spectrum. Usually there’s only a preference and it can be very subtle. The examples are rather extreme to make a point.
Externally Validated Girls
It’s very easy to spot and define an externally validated girl. Her obsession, her main purpose in life is “what will others say about it?”. Extreme example would be a girl who has no desires of her own, instead doing everything to gain status within her social group.
We’re all thinking the same: attention whores, golddiggers, instagram “models”, posh chicks, etc. Biggest tells are expensive labels, flawless outfits and overall concern with looks. But these are just the visuals.
When speaking to such a girl you’ll quickly find out that she’s more concerned with what other think about her than what she actually wants. She puts praise, fame and admiration above everything else.
I’ll always remember one date where a young girl was asking me about my travels. That year I’ve been to Budapest, Croatia, Prague and London. She replied “So nowhere interesting? Like a place with nice beach?”.
Her dreams will sound stupid to anyone unplugged (i.e. not giving a fuck about what others think) and her plans… Come on, what plans? She’s living here and now. Don’t expect her to think what will happen in 5 years, 5 months or even 5 weeks from now.
Needless to say to hang out with such a girl you have to improve her status in some way. For a girl on the extreme end of this spectrum the base requirement is that you make her look better or give her something that she can boast about later. That will be easy for some guys but for others – really hard.
Internally Validated Girls
Don’t think even for a moment that internally validated girl is much better at the respective extreme end. You just might think that because she isn’t a show-off but the reasons she’s doing anything are as fucked up as for the previous stereotype.
For internally validated girl her source of needs and wants comes from within. That doesn’t sound so bad unless it’s backed up by total disregard for others.
The classic example would be someone with daddy issues or borderline personality disorder. The fear of abandonment and instability is making her lean towards masculine men while thinking in stereotypes. That in turn makes her abusive, lacking in confidence and distrustful. She wants you so much that she hurts you.
Regardless of type of validation no girl wants to be labeled as a slut. But the meaning of “slut” can be different depending on what drives her.
When thinking about internal validation sometimes people see a girl who don’t give a fuck about what others think about her and as such she acts on all her urges and desires. She then can backward rationalize anything – from cheating on you with a whole basketball team to ignoring you for days and expecting you to just “get it”.
They can get ambitious or focused too much on their careers. A lot of those girls put others at a distant second place. She’s doing everything for herself after all. Solitary activities, being an outcast, lack of friends, introversion – you get the (extreme) picture.
That being said some guys will have better chances with those types of girls and for others they will be a major pain in the ass.
Provider vs. Lover
I’d say that men are usually internally validated and that’s why it’s somehow easier to relate to girls who focus on themselves. Especially if you take into account that most girls are quite ordinary, without serious problems and they lean ever so slightly towards one source of validation.
Small preference will manifest in her being more focused on her status and looks (external) or her dreams and plans (internal). Don’t think that either she’s got issues or she’s a golddigger.
No matter the source of her validation if she’s an extreme example – things can get messy. Fortunately, most girls aren’t.
All types of girls are capable of providerish relationships (when they want someone out of “reason”) and wild adventures with a lover (driven by urges).
Given all the descriptions above externally validated girl will look for a provider that she can show to the world. Or rather – the things that he will provide can be shown off. That usually means a lot of money for expensive, useless items. Status symbols. She doesn’t care whether you’re a gangster or a drug dealer.
Internally validated girl can look for a provider that will just make her life stable and safe. That means a good and boring job, hobby that she can participate in (but nothing crazy) and the capacity to work harder to sustain expected family. Think nuclear family.
Both types of girls can score a wild night with a lover. The first one will do it to boast. “Look who I’ve slept with!” She will behave like a groupie, the popularity and/or status of her partner being the most important. On the micro scale she’ll just pick the “alpha” of the group – the most extraverted or aggressive or jacked or whatever. But he will be “most” (or “top”) of that particular set.
Internally validated girl would too like to sleep with a guy of her wet dreams. Many times it will be the exact same guy but for the different reasons. For example she might pick up the muscular guy because she always had fantasized about such guys or just out of spite. She’s not doing it to boost her status “as the girl who banged that guy”. She’s doing it for herself. And somehow we’re back to daddy issues.
Her idea of a desired lover can vary more than for externally validated one. The latter will ask only one question – “can I gain something by having such an adventure?” whereas our internally validated gal will try to fulfill her deepest darkest secrets without anyone finding out.
A Brief Look Inside Myself
As to my life and what makes me happy and dedicated – I’m extremely internally validated. Even the daygame stats I keep are just for me to look at them and not to share with anyone. With the exception of yearly summaries of course. I take most pride and joy in being relentless and persistent. To overcome myself is my biggest reward and most things I do, I do because I feel the need to.
All the expensive shit I buy is because I want it, not to show off. I don’t buy things I don’t use. And while I make some stupid, expensive choices I tend to get my money worth. I’m not a nomad and I don’t want to live a minimalistic lifestyle. I like stuff that makes my life better in a predictable way. Usually quality costs extra.
“We cannot afford cheap stuff” was a saying in my family. I’m aware that I sometimes abuse it to explain why I buy something luxurious over ordinary item. Sue me.
Being such a guy I have very little to offer for girls looking for a provider or a status symbol. I’m not going to provide for someone else and I simply don’t see the point in displaying your status and it kills me to pretend I care. So I don’t. That makes it hard for me to score with an (extremely) externally validated girl, especially in provider mode. I sometimes can do it as a lover but it’s definitely not my staple. I score best with (moderately) internally validated girls looking for a lover.
Consider your past successes and adjust your game accordingly. If you’re chasing wrong girls you’ll have hard time.