Backward Plan Your Dates

Girl on a bed in lingerie with some rats.

Backward planning is a way of making plans by starting at the end results and working your way back looking for steps most likely to lead you to that state. We all do it naturally when the end dictates the means. But more often than not we lead ourselves astray by classically trying to plan many complex steps not accounting for things that can go wrong.

Imagine yourself going on a motorbike trip. First you need a destination so of course you would use backwards planning. With destination picked up you look for all the possible roads to get there. You pick one which is the fastest or twistiest depending on your liking. You’ll decide when you want to arrive and research available accommodation. You need to consider how long you’ll stay there and find out how long you’ll be riding. Motorbikes have limited fuel and cargo capabilities. You adjust your luggage. Then you calculate the distance and plan all the required fuel stops. If it turns out the whole thing is too long for a one day cruise then you look for places to sleep.

Many things can go wrong. Roadblocks, accidents, weather can change, traffic could be too dense to achieve the expected speed, you can get tired faster than you’ve thought. But you have a plan that you can adjust. You also won’t be totally surprised by nonexistent roads or sudden lack of gas stations. You never just hop on your bike and drive in the general direction of the place you want to visit just hoping to plan along the way.

Going out on a date without a plan and “hoping to get a lay” is as stupid as going for a walk hoping you’ll arrive at some exciting place.

Despite all the good things that come from the backward planning we usually plan from the other way. From the start. Doesn’t that sound right? You start at place where you’re currently at and plan each step that brings you closer to your destination. But very much like when solving a badly constructed maze you might be away from the exit not towards it. Not so much when going from the exit back to the beginning (once again – for badly constructed mazes).

What’s even worse when you find yourself away from the ideal path and you’ll still think just one step ahead you can lose a lot of time and energy. If you’ve been planning backward then any obstacles can be navigated using the same strategy. It’s a subtle difference between “I have to go from A to B” and “I have to arrive at B”. The latter makes you think outside the box.

Girl on a bed in lingerie with some rats.

The end goal of a date. Minus the rats. Haven’t you noticed that?! What’s wrong with you? Also – I hope she’s not dead.

Your end goal on the first date is to either prime the girl for second date at your place or bounceback home and sleep with her. Most of the time you won’t be able to tell whether you can pull off a first date lay or not. Hence in the beginning you’ll need to juggle two conflicting ideas. However, sometimes it’s so obvious that the girl is into you that you’ll just plan for the lay.

So we have our goal – you and the girl having sex at your bed. For that to happen you have to get her into your bedroom and before that – into your home. That assumes she’s into you, she’s excited and not afraid of you. That also means she’s okay with fast sex and is generally open for adventures. So few drinks and making her imagination running on sixth gear wouldn’t hurt. For all that to happen you have to spend some time when you put her into sexual and adventurous state. You also need to find out whether she’s open to that. That in turn cannot happen right away. At first she needs to feel comfortable around you to even hint at her desires, so we probably need another venue before the one where we amp up the seduction. And now we have the classic plan “attraction > comfort > seduction”.

There are lot of factors when bouncing a girl back home. Most important are: your confidence in making the move, the adventurous vibe and distance from the venue to your place (logistic).

Planning one step ahead isn’t going to get you to the end. You’re dealing with a volatile being – a girl. And when something won’t go according to plan (because it won’t) you cannot be thinking in terms of just here and now. The question isn’t “how to make her drink when she refuses to do so and in my plan there are two drinks”. It’s “I wanted her to feel relaxed and adventurous by having few drinks, she only had one, how can I achieve the same result without alcohol?”. Maybe have a snowball fight with her, visit an exciting area of your city or go to a karaoke bar. But think in terms of the “next result”, not the “next step”. The state, not the means leading to it.

The whole date will look differently if you know that the goal is to only get her on second date. You might want to do that when there is no chance for a fast lay (e.g. bad logistic, she’s meeting her sister after the date or she needs to catch the last train home). Now the end goal is “she’s excited to meet me at my place”. Obviously there is going to be a lot of future projecting, discussing things you two can do together, telling stories. You’ll DHV hoping for her to react eager to a particular activity. You will also cut the date short to leave her wanting more and you won’t overdo the escalation.

Sounds really simple but I’m still astounded by the amount of guys that “just go for the date” without any sort of plan. And then they try to somehow get her to the next step by complicating everything. It’s far too easy to think of a date as a series of steps and many times I’ve been guilty of just that. When you switch to the idea that a date is a series of states you’ll find yourself thinking more about “how I can make her feel like that” than “how I’m going to pull off that move”.

It’s just a matter of looking at everything from another direction. And it also makes you focused on the goal. You’re not doing anything without an agenda behind it thus bringing you closer and closer to where you want to be. I’m using the same technique in my texting by figuring out the end goal (an invite) and working my way back. But more about that – next time.


Male-female relationships commentator. Also a traveler, adrenaline junkie and, believe it or not, introvert. Still obsessed with working out, coaching daygame and living life to the full.

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