You might have noticed that there are few things that I don’t write about and one of them is canned material. And I don’t mean spam.I believe the more “natural” you appear the less you need anything out of the ordinary like routines, tricks and special lines. I also hate when someone says “be more natural” without explanation what does he mean by that. It’s just a bullshit non-advice like “be more confident”.
By “appearing more natural” I mean being true to your real self and behaving like you would with people you already know (assumed familiarity). If you’re not energetic, funny guy then either change yourself or stop copying someone who is. If you would never talk about fashion with anyone for more than 5 seconds – don’t do that when talking to a girl. If you would never use a specific line or opener – don’t use it just because you’ve read it on the Internet.
It can be hard because it requires you to come up with your own stuff. And it’s also precisely why I always try to give unusable and exaggerated examples. If you think of something by yourself you’ll remember it better and you’ll feel more real and confident when you say it.
I’d never say “be yourself”. If you’re repulsive then no amount of confidence or “just being yourself” will make any difference. First and foremost you have to become attractive.
It’s understandable that beginners seek canned material. They think it’ll make things easier for them. But as I found out that’s far from being true. When you utter the words designed by someone else and you don’t feel them you just make things worse. And given that when you start you only need one opener that you say over and over again and a handful of generic stacks it isn’t that hard to spend one afternoon writing them all down. And when you say the words that are yours for the hundredth time there’s no other way but to appear confident.
It’s also worth noting that there isn’t such thing as the best opener or the best line. The quality of approach matters more than the actual words – it sets the baseline for the interaction. Of course the more you talk to each other the more it matters what do you say. And of course you want to get as good of a starting point as it’s possible. But if you know what you’re doing even “hi, what’s your name?” can work. However, most of the time it won’t because it’s opening with a question, it’s something she’s heard hundreds of times and it’s just too generic. That’s why the advice is to have a reliable and structured opener that makes her interested in the conversation.
Canned lines & routines are only examples. Capture the same vibe with your own words.
It also has to be your opener as trying to be someone you’re not will backfire. Even if you succeed in talking to the girl she’ll soon realize that you talk differently, you joke differently and “there’s something off with this guy”. And she’ll be right – you’ll appear incongruent.
Most of the routines were always off-putting for me. I’ve never used strawberry fields or the cube despite all the praise they get. And I’m not saying they don’t work, I’ve heard enough stories to know that they do. But I’ve stayed away from them. Why? Because they’re just not me. From my first daygame approach I knew that I am the guy who sees a nice girl and just goes after her to chat her up. That’s me. Even though at the time I was too anxious to do that I could visualize myself being “that guy”. Not so much with most of the routines I’ve ever heard of. Save for the question game.
What’s that? It’s a game you two play on a date where you ask each other questions about anything with a big twist: you cannot repeat something that’s already been asked. You either introduce it directly by saying “you’re asking me too many questions! let’s play a game instead” or sometimes it just starts off naturally and then you introduce the rules when she asks “how about you?” (and you go “you cannot ask me the same thing! here are the rules…”). It’s a cheeky way to learn a lot of secrets in a very short time and it sounded fun enough for my liking.
It also isn’t canned. The rules are the same but you pick the questions and the topics. Of course you usually start with innocent ones like family and travels, maybe ask about her dreams and experiences, then go into male-female territory, what she likes/dislikes in men to end up in sex talk or doing some kind of kiss close gambit. You can calibrate for the girl. Every iteration is different and it’s fun to do.
I’d like to give credit to the guy that introduced me to that game but I can’t remember who it was. I am sure that I’ve first read about question game on Sasha Daygame’s blog. To quote him the rules to the question game are as follows:
1. No repeat questions. Ever. Once I’ve questioned something, you can’t question me that same question back.
2. You get one Sub Question per question. I.e. if I say “What’s your favorite Food” and you say “chinese” I can say “what dish”.
3. You must tell the truth.
4. I go first.
There was a time when I used the question game to spike every single first date I’ve had. Then to my own surprise I’ve stopped using it. I was having great dates without that crutch. But you cannot deny it’s a great tool in everyone’s dating toolbag to advance your relationship fast, to check how relaxed she is talking with you about her dirty stuff and to sexualize the encounter. It is also quite well known, I’ve met a few girls that knew the rules and they still enjoyed playing it with me.
I revisit that topic because I sometimes have lousy dates, mostly with two types of girls – shy, innocent-looking ones and those who just talk too much. In both cases you can use the question game to even out the level of investments and to make the vibe more sexual. Sadly, those blabbing ones are still my Achilles heel and biggest time-wasters. The street stop usually is great, the date starts nicely but then they reject every attempt to make things more sexual. But I guess that’s the topic for a different text. For now – remember the question game.