Casual Relationships Spectrum
Guys that are new to daygame, casual dating and multiple relationships are often baffled by the possibility of having few girls on rotation. Some of them think that even if they do have few “girlfriends” they should hide that and keep seeing them on the down-low.
Many people assume that every girl is looking for a serious relationship, probably because they themselves have only been in serious relationships their whole life. But there is a wide spectrum of possibilities backed by wide spectrum of behaviors. And since Nick Krauser recently covered the full-r/full-K girls we can move on to what to expect and how to get there. Because not every fast sex will be a one night stand and not all good fucks end in relationships.
Sex first, and then (maybe) a relationship. If there’s no lust all you will get will be boring relationship and sex seen as a chore. Fuck each other brains out and then think about compatibility in other areas.
What do the girls expect from men? Who knows and who cares. But speaking from experience you can be her one night stand (you’ll never hear from her again), her lover (she’ll see you just for the sex), her non-monogamous boyfriend (she knows you are sleeping with other girls, yet she won’t mention that; you do more fun things outside the bedroom than lovers), her potential boyfriend (you’re a bad boy but she’ll try to make you commit), her boyfriend (no we’re getting into the danger zone), her love (run for your life). Now that I’ve written this paragraph I see that it sound dangerously close to one particular video by Tom Torero.
Sadly, by the time you’re on the bed she’d already decided the nature of that relationship. By then she knows whether you’re a womanizer or a boyfriend material, do you make her wet, can she control herself around you plus of course what she needs right now. Ignoring the last thing will make everything harder (“Phrasing!”). If the girl is looking for a guy who will pay for her boob job (had one of those) then being an r-selected badass lover will not even make raise an eyebrow. If she already made her decision – usually you won’t be able to change it. But if that didn’t happen yet she’ll lean in the direction of your unspoken proposition.
I hate to say that it’s all about the vibe but it’s all about the vibe. If you’re framing yourself as a lover she will consider that option. If you’re pretending to be Prince Charming she’ll treat you at best as a potential boyfriend. Not every strategy is for every girl and you can either stick to your virtues or you can adapt to a given girl.
Sex talk, alcoholic drinks, discussing past adventures, fast escalation, kissing early on, changing venues, bouncebacks, adventure bubbles, adrenaline, exciting things, admitting to sleeping with married girls, crazy stories, dangerous hobbies, travels and commenting on beauty of foreign girls, etc. – those things will get you more into the ONS/lover side of relationships. Beware of the trap: escalate too fast, have sex on a first date while in a crazy adventure mode without much rapport and you might end with just that one night. The only factor left is how you behave after the sex.
Cuddling, talking, being with her (and making her come), going for seconds will push the dial back into lover box. If you leave the bed (or whatever) and make yourself a drink, take a long shower or even go to sleep you can make her regret sleeping with you and the very next day she’ll convince herself that this was just an ONS (probably a “yet another ONS” for her). But your behavior after the sex can change very little. It’s how you present yourself along the way.
Coffee date, fun dates like feeding birds or riding bicycles, having a picnic, watching a movie, cooking a dinner together, long talks about future dreams, talking about your jobs (ugh), walking through park, responsible escalation, avoiding danger and emotions not trying to have sex on a first date – these will make her either bored or more inclined to think about “serious” relationship (if you fulfill her partner criteria)
Don’t get me wrong – you need those things too, but you should always consider underlying vibe. When she’ll talk about you to her best friend what she will tell? Will you be “nice guy” or “cool foreign rocker”? Will your good traits offset bad things that are typically associated with the stereotype you’re fit into?
I always get the best reactions from girls that can’t put me into a box. I’m escalating fast, yet I’m making her a dinner. One moment I’m talking about travels, the next we’re talking about weirdest place she had sex. That goes on beyond behavior: I’m jacked but I work in IT, I’m generally responsible yet I lost my driving license for speeding, I dress nicely but I wear rings, bracelets and pendants 18 years old rebel wouldn’t be ashamed of. You get the idea – “there’s something about that guy…”
Don’t mistake trying to escape boxing with being an incongruent blob. Your options aren’t limited to that and full-r/full-K. You could be leaning hard into one side for an edge to your personality. I’m aiming for “serious guy that got his life together and gets what he wants, yet what he wants is adrenaline, adventures and new experiences”.
This post was in part brought about by a question from my student on how to avoid losing girls who put you into ONS box. Here’s a quick tip: future projections. Make vague plans while on a date. If you’re discussing your favorite restaurant say “we definitely have to eat a dinner there some time”. Notice you don’t say “I’ll take you there” but “we have to” – it implies you will be seeing each other and that you’re not a provider. We’re talking about riding motorbikes – “You’ve never ridden one? I’ll give you a ride some weekend, you’ll love it!”. It’s not specific so you can easily postpone those until after the sex. And pick things that will be exciting for that girl.
Also remember that there are girls out there who just enjoy one night stands. That’s the “you’ll never hear from her again” category or even “she’ll reply but won’t meet you ever again”. One ONS-er that I fucked last year was genuinely surprised that I tried to set up another evening. She was just out of a long relationship and I suspect that she had quickly found herself in another serious one. I was her little indiscretion. A fun adventure. Some would say AWALT but I say: right place, right time.
Despite one of the favorite manosphere slogan AWALT (All Women Are Like That) – some women are different. They still have the possibility to be like every other just, sadly, not with you. Or not right now. But when the circumstances change…
You’d also be surprised how many girls out there are fine with sharing a good lover. They don’t care that you’re seeing other girls as long as you don’t mention them unasked or merely imply them. Good sex, fun times, exciting activities and you could keep those around for months. Some of them will develop feelings for you (that’s when I cut them off), others will be fine until you find a replacement.
The group enjoying having a lover or non-exclusive boyfriend grows as I become more r-selected. Which could be not what you’re looking for but it suits me just fine.