Experience – Another Name For Confidence
Recent coaching experiences prompted me to write this post about the very first step of daygame – the approach. While writing I had one big realization that it’s already included in the title so it won’t be any surprise. But first things first.
As Nick Krauser recently noticed guys that need to learn game come in two main flavors: they either need a complete makeover and learn social dynamics to pick up chicks (low value guys who can be made into players) or they are attractive guys that just need to discover ways of delivering their value (high SMV guys that are oblivious of their attractiveness). I was the former but regardless of what’s your starting point you still need to start by approaching a girl during the day and engaging her in a conversation. No seduction can happen without this step.
All the advanced and even intermediate daygamers would agree that there is no particular strength in any given opener (“just say anything!”). However, the approach itself needs to be done smoothly and confidently. When you stutter your initial line, act scared and it takes you forever to mumble the words no opener will “work”. Not because it’s a weak line but because of the delivery. It has to be mastered, beginning with the attention grab part.
Me and many others use a particular trick called the Yad stop to grab the attention of a walking girl. There are other ways but – being in the theme of this post – they all have to be done with utmost confidence.
There’s been many videos on how to stop the girl. You have to do this nonverbally by projecting higher value and masculinity. But this is just mumbo jumbo that you can say about anything. The key is to get eye contact with the girl as soon as you can, stop her using your body language by blocking her way (maybe adding some hand gesture) and only then deliver the opener. The stop itself is very easy to learn even on a friend. Just take turns with someone and experiment on how would you stop a fast moving friend. Practice over and over and notice what’s working and what’s not. This isn’t the post about stopping girl, it’s about what happens next.
As I said – it’s easy to teach anyone how to stop strangers and that’s usually the first big step for newbies. Then – if you have good vibe and a smirk on your face – 9 out of 10 girls should stop and listen to what you have to say. And that’s where the horror begins – you have to say something to the hot girl standing in front of you with her head slightly tilted and eyes wide open, waiting for you to sweep her of her feet. What do you do?
London Daygame Model calls for at least three things in your initial statement besides the “attention grab” (usually provided by the Yad stop):
- a buffer sentence
- simple explanation of what’s happening
- weak compliment
After that you launch into Stacking part of model where you avoid questions by making assumptions about the girl. You can start with taking the compliment back (thus completing the push/pull opener). But that’s later. Unless you execute the approach with utmost confidence you won’t even have a chance to do any of your assumptions. If you don’t know what you want to say – the girl will just think you’re weird or shy. Both are a death sentence to that set. That doesn’t sound very encouraging – how can a guy new to daygame can be confident delivering his opening lines?
It’s easy. Prepare a script that works and use it every time. The beaten to death LDM staple is “Can I say to you something really quickly? [buffer sentence] I just noticed you and I wanted to tell you that you look really nice. [weak compliment]”. Having something to fall back to is essential in being confident. You can practice your line in front of the mirror, on your friend and during every single approach. In no time you’ll become confident at least in delivering those first few sentences.
Don’t use the lines you’ve read anywhere on the Internet. Make up something similar that will be “yours”. You will feel much better with your own words.
Let’s dissect the script. Buffer sentence is essential because the girl won’t hear the first thing that comes out of your mouth. She was thinking about something else and she’s not paying attention. You cannot start with an explanation because she won’t register that. Many guys start with something in line of “You’ve just caught my eye” but then the girl misses that and it leaves her puzzled. I joke that you can start with “I’ve just murdered your mother and I wanted to say to you that you look really nice” and it wouldn’t change a thing.
Simple explanation is crucial to let the girl know that you’ll try to pick her up. Without that you’re just a stranger offering compliments to random girls. “I couldn’t help myself but to walk to you and tell you…”, “I just saw you over there and came to tell…” works great. She can prepare for what’s coming next. And it’s not a huge compliment she expects but a little one. We don’t want to put her on a pedestal so “fabulous”, “beautiful”, “marvelous”, “wonderful” are all too strong. “Nice”, “cute”, “caught my eye”, even “hot” if you manage to sound cheeky will be ok.
Once you’ve done that and the girl starts to really listen either take back the compliment by joking about it or start stacking assumptions. You can have two or three generic assumptions memorized as a part of your script. Why? When you’re a beginner you sometimes run out of things to say. It will kill the interaction if it happens during first minute. So think about 2-3 things you can say about every single girl and use them for your first 100-200 sets. You will quickly come up with different assumptions and start to replace the generic ones with those tailored to the particular girl. But you always will have something to fall back to.
We don’t want to be robots. We’re not going to use the same damn line every single time for our whole life. But you have to start somewhere.The key message is that the line you’ve already said a hundred times will be delivered with confidence. The girl won’t know that on that particular day alone you’ve used it five times. It will be first for you and her. And that’s where she’ll mistake experience for confidence. And that’s what this post is all about.
That’s where my train of thought switched tracks. Most guys are smart enough to notice that only difference between my demo approaches and theirs is confidence. But they think it’s an ascribed personality trait that can’t be trained like any other skill. They say “I never could be so calm when the girl says she’s not interested or has a boyfriend.” and they’re wrong. When you see someone proficient it just looks effortless. You don’t see hours and hours of practice and failures that are required to learn anything.
Confidence can be a skill or a personality trait and both can be developed. As a quality it’s that “general confidence” but when I’m talking about confidence as a skill I mean being confident in a particular situation or environment. I’ve never had any issues at my work. I was regarded as a professional as I knew I could handle anything that comes my way. When I started doing daygame it was totally different. I had to build that confidence by throwing myself into all sorts of situations. Now you can say that it’s easy when you’re successful but I think it’s quite irrelevant.
You start to be confident when you know the possible outcomes from a particular situation. If you don’t know what could happen it’s easy to stress out or even panic. If you do – you can prepare yourself. That’s just the starting point. True confidence is knowing you can handle all those outcomes and consequences. And you cannot possibly know that unless you’ve already experienced them.
It’s easy to say “I couldn’t do a bungee jump” but after you learn it’s actually safe you might decide to try it. You will be scared nonetheless, at least the first time, but after you do it and experience it you will know for sure that you can handle it. You start to desensitize yourself and after a while – you will no longer be scared.
Experience, desensitization – those are the building stones for confidence. Unless you’ve got some weird brain damage you cannot possibly feel confident doing something for the first time.
Of course you can do a thing thousand times and fail miserably every single one. If you don’t learn from your mistakes you won’t grow. But still after that many failures you know what will happen and that you can handle those consequences. You can’t be scared after failing that many times. Can you imagine anyone being afraid doing his 1000th bungee jump? Excited – yes. Uncomfortable – maybe. But not scared. And you really think that someone can be afraid of running out of things to say or messing up the approach doing his 1000th daygame set?
I don’t think so.