Comfort Zone Trap
Growth happens outside comfort zone, no doubt in that. Whether it’s lifting heavy weights, running marathons, learning new skill, becoming more social or picking up girls – you have to be uncomfortable and you have to fail to learn. No amount of theory will be as beneficial as few hours of solid practice.
Some people are saying “you don’t have to fail to learn, just be careful and make your way in little increments”. Theoretically that could work if it wouldn’t be huge waste of time. When you’re learning how to drive a motorbike you just have to drop it few times (preferably during slow speed maneuvers). That’s how you learn the limits, experience the imbalance and come out both unscathed and wiser. You could “be careful” and advance to the limit little by little never reaching it but you wouldn’t learn your lesson that way. Maybe you will never lean your own bike that much but it’s good to know how does it feel and what exactly are the consequences.
When you lift you inevitably load such weight that you cannot rack the bar after last repetition. Great, you’ve found your limit for that exercise for that particular day. You know your training couldn’t be harder, you take full advantage of your time. Will you advance using smaller weights? Sure but once again – your time is too precious to waste it on suboptimal training.
And I’m assuming you are not stupid – you have someone around as a spotter. Don’t push yourself on your own (similarly: don’t learn how to ride a bike knee down on public roads). Leaving your comfort zone should be done intelligently. There’s no point in staying in it (boredom, not learning) but also there’s no point in biting more than you can chew every single time (discouragement, not learning).
If you never fail it means you’re never leaving your comfort zone. And never actually learning.
Becoming skilled in picking up girls and interacting with strangers is as far from “comfort zone” as possible for most guys. They really have to push through, make their share of approaches, desensitize themselves and after 100-200 sets become a “daygamer” (beginner, but still). After learning the street they start going on dates where they have to leave the “comfort zone” of being a nice guy who doesn’t escalate. Then there’s the bounceback or setting up a date at home, then there’s the last step – sex.
The whole journey is made outside the comfort zone (or zones cause there are many). The plan laid out above is the most basic and most common. Things get more complicated if you really want to leave the K-selected daygamer zone and cross the line to become r-selected lover. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Problem with “learning” daygame and seduction is that you inevitably become moderately successful. You had one girlfriend a year? Now you date tens of women, even if you’re sleeping with only few of them. Used to getting only duty sex? Now you’re having wild first day lays. You’re at least a womanizer which is huge improvement compared to being a beta clueless chump. So if it’s all in all great why should you leave your newfound comfort zone?
It’s another cliché but the message is never “be yourself”. It’s “be the best possible version of yourself”.
It’s too easy to just rest in that intermediate bubble enjoying your successes every now and then. But it’s like running a marathon with the same pace every single time. No progression, no development, not really learning. You can rest when you can say “I’ve achieved everything there is to achieve” (or you become bored). And there are many ways to improve in seduction. You can aim for more notches, hotter girls, younger girls, faster sex, etc.
That’s where guys (including me) fail to realize that they escape from one comfort zone only to fall into the next. I can approach a girl, get her on a date and sometimes seduce her all the way to the sex and then make her into a fuck friend or non-exclusive girlfriend. I’m feeling comfortable doing all this… and it’s bad.
It’s like winning first prize in an amateur competition over and over again. I’m sure it would feel great and in the beginning it’s really something to brag about. But after tens of such victories people would start to ask “why won’t you compete with someone your level”? And if they don’t then you should ask this yourself. “Is this the best I can do or am I just avoiding hard work and inevitable failures?”
I have to push more into being an r-selected lover, ditch the whole dating and getting to know each other well, focus on good quality (and quantity) of lays. I don’t want to be a non-exclusive boyfriend anymore. I like a sleepover and morning sex as much as the next guy but I honestly don’t want to commit to any single girl. I like my life like it is and I want more of it.
Becoming more r-selected is out of my current comfort zone. On dates I still do much rapport and attraction while not necessarily doing enough seduction and sexualization. I’m too nice on occasion and while my boundaries of jerkiness have been pushed I’m not yet comfortable in going too far. I’ve never lost a girl while on a date. Not a single chick stormed out of my apartment nor ended the date prematurely. I wouldn’t want offending girls to become my new norm but it’s the equivalent of not dropping a motorbike and not training to muscle failure. I don’t know what I’m capable of and I don’t know where are the limits. Which means I’m still in the comfort zone. This time it’s labeled “advanced daygamer”.
Not to mention posh, model-type, bitchy girls that I’ve never got along with. But that’s different story.