Listen To Her Actions, Not Her Words

Girl on a guys back. Seriously.

It’s been around since forever but somehow it’s always forgotten: listen to her actions, not her words. When guys try to capture girl’s level of investment they often fall for looking for verbal cues and things the girl say. Don’t you dare make that mistake!

Guys communicate overtly and straight to the point. In what detail you describe your recent lay or travel when talking to a male friend? Simple: boobs, body, booty and skill. Maybe few different things when you’re talking about the travel. Guys can’t see the point of elaborate descriptions of events or even worse – feelings. Facts are what matter, quantitative characteristics, maybe comparison to other experiences.

Girls on the other hand communicate covertly. Subtext and innuendos are the name of the game. Nothing is straightforward and everything is driven by emotions. Feelings are more important than facts hence the need to elaborate and tell stories. Rich descriptions help them express the fleeing state they were in and recreate that using words.

Side note: you want to emulate girls way of talking, especially on dates. Not to appear feminine but to be able to speak directly to their emotions.

Some say that most of human communication is nonverbal. I’m far from that (words do matter) but there is so much to be taken from voice tone, expressions, behavior that it cannot be disregarded. There are thousand different ways to say “I hate you!” ranging from angry through factual to playful. If you’re not paying attention to the context, you’re more than likely to misinterpret. Especially when it comes to girls, though to be honest they also tend to exaggerate their gestures.

That’s on the micro scale: listening to words only can be confusing (if not paying attention to nonverbals). That’s what most guys get and are able to learn. The bigger problem is on the macro scale – her actions directly contradicting her words.

Girl on a guys back. Seriously.

“I love you and you don’t care I’ve slept with your friend, right? Cause it meant nothing!”

Of course hard “no” is a “no”. If she’s serious and asks you to stop – do not escalate further. You both should want the same thing and you can always try again later.Everything she says about her feelings towards you isn’t as important as her actual behavior. How many times you’ve heard “we’re not going to have sex” the night she slept with you? If you were to listen only to her words you’d think that there is nothing to be done. But that’s not true. Her saying that means the thought of sex at least crossed her mind and the game is still on. And it’s like that with most obstacles she’ll try to put on your path to her pants.

Anytime you get a verbal message from the girl (overtly, covertly, a text, a Facebook status) look for incongruity. Do not ask yourself what she meant by this and that. Pay close attention to how she acts. Are her actions supporting her words? Or maybe she says one thing and does the other? In that case what she does is far more important than anything she says.

When a girl says you are too full of yourself or too confident but she’s giggling and clinging to your arm what should you believe: actions or words? What would you think when she says the relationship is going too fast but agrees to meet at your place late at night? If she says she has a boyfriend but still kisses with you – which tell is more important?

Sometimes she’ll even state “I don’t kiss on first dates” after you go for the kiss. Yet, her eyes are sparkling, she’s looking at your lips, pauses are filled with sexual tension. Pay close attention to her body language and go for the kiss once again. Sometimes it turns out that statement meant nothing (and yet sometimes she won’t kiss at all). But she can’t blame you for trying, especially if you’re not aggressive but playful and you don’t make a big deal out of such (or any) rejection.

When her words aren’t in line with her body language you should always assume the body is telling the truth. You might want to verify that by putting her on a position to react. You think she might be uncomfortable? Slide closer to her and watch her reaction. Go for a kiss, take her hand, play with her hair. The purpose of kino escalation isn’t only to make her accustomed to your touch and spike sexuality. It’s also to verify her interest. Does she flinch when you play with her hair? Not a good sign, back off and continue with attraction and rapport. Try again later.

In similar way you can verify many things. Just make her react either way (put her in a position where she can’t be passive). If she’s into you she’ll play along.

My latest lay told me before our date that she only has two hours tops. She was texting and was eager to meet even though I flaked on her last week. So I assumed that those “two hours” were an excuse not to stay till morning but she still wanted to have sex. And I was right. Date was sexual, filled with tension and within given time we’ve done some nasty things.

It’s not always going to be like that. You’re going to misread her intentions every now and then. That’s called experience and that’s how you learn to calibrate. Usually it’s better to assume your reads are correct and then either try again later or modify your approach (be more/less sexual). It’s exactly the same deal when you’re learning the street approach – at first you always assume she’s interested, learn from your mistakes and become more socially adept.

After gaining enough experience you can trust your gut when in doubt. And when the girl is behaving incoherently – analyze just her actions.


Male-female relationships commentator. Also a traveler, adrenaline junkie and, believe it or not, introvert. Still obsessed with working out, coaching daygame and living life to the full.

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