Letting Girls Go
This post is not about letting her go when she texts you to stop bothering her (when this happen remember that “no means no”). Girls rarely fall back to communicating overtly. If she did that then it means everything else had fail. Know when you’re not welcome and back off gracefully surprising her one last time – that this rejection doesn’t bother you at all.
Theme of this post is the dreadful “we need to talk” message. Give a girl you’re casually seeing enough time and it will happen. It seems the common threshold is around 3 months. August alone I had three such talks. What to do with them and why they happen?
There is no rocket science in handling such talk. Usually the girl starts to have feelings for you or she’d given some thought about your relationship. Either way she will tell you what’s the reason and ask something in the line of “where do you think this is going” or “how would you describe our relationship” or “why are you seeing me”. Be honest – if you’re probing her for a relationship or already consider her a girlfriend – tell her. Most guys however would want to see her and sleep with her in a non-exclusive way.
So be honest but not blunt. Don’t tell her she’s your fuck friend, use a term like “lovers” if you really have to. In my honesty I’m telling that I’m happy with time we’re spending together – both the frequency and the activities. I had different relationships in the past and this is more fulfilling. I don’t think about where this is going – I enjoy the process as I really have no expectations.
That usually does the trick. If the girl asks if I’m seeing someone else – I tell the truth. If she asks if I want the relationship to move forward – I use the ambiguous “not now”. That’s all and that’s ok for most girls. However if she pushes you to spending more time together or doing couple-ish stuff then be more clear. Tell her that while you enjoy your time together you’re not looking for nor expecting commitment. If she have expectations then be a gentleman and let her go. You had your time, she wants something else, don’t be cruel.
You will be surprised how many girls are just asking questions like that to define for herself what’s happening. They will be ok with your honest responses as long as you won’t be hiding any agenda.
But some girls do want a more serious relationships. They either grew feelings for you or were expecting a relationship from the very beginning. Now you can’t do anything with former but latter suggests a problem on your side.
During approach, texts and dates I suggest going for an r-selection. Be a sport fuck, an adventure, something wonderful yet temporary. That should be subcommunicated and used in your banters. If at any moment girl thinks you’re boyfriend material then it’s bad. That will delay the sex and it’s asking for trouble if you just want a fuck friend. Fortunately my approach and stuff I use and write about is calibrated to really give off that player vibe.
Some girls of course will want a relationship even with a player. I don’t see why I can’t watch a movie or go to a restaurant with a girl I’m sleeping with as long as the night ends in bed (or wherever). Of course usually we just meet at my place but every now and then it’s fun to do something other than drinking before sex. Big bonus of seeing interesting girls is that you can have interesting times. That’s assuming you’re not sleeping exclusively with archetypical blonde bimbos.
So how to handle all this while still doing fun stuff? Always see her like a typical fuck friend: never meet more than once a week, always have sex, every now and then do something interesting outside your bedroom, communicate every 2-4 days tops. That’s as strong a message as it gets. My definition of a relationship is: you saw each other, spend some time and didn’t have sex at least once (assuming you’re already sleeping with each other) – avoid doing that! If the girl is constantly going for more contact (text, calls, dates) then it’s already too late. You can back off but that will provoke The Talk sooner.
Girl will joke about all stuff that’s bothering her long before she talks overtly. Pass the tests – never deny that you are seeing other girls or just using her for sex. Agree and amplify, ignore, treat this like a shit test. But never think that you will avoid The Talk forever.
My talks ended with one girl “just checking what’s going on” and the second “growing feelings for me but she knows that nothing will change”. Last one was sad that I haven’t had enough time for her. She really thought that we were a couple but looking back I can’t see that I ever treated her differently. Only thing that was unusual was her commitment from the very beginning – lot of messages, leaving some products at my place, she wanted to go for walks or movies. Clearly she had expectations that I missed.
Of course after the talk we decided to stop seeing each other as clearly we were expecting different things. Hence this post and a warning: do not hurt the girls or use them. If she wants something that you can’t give her – don’t lie. Tell her the truth and if she can’t adjust – end the relationship. That being said – any considerations of a relationship should happen only after you two had sex.